How to Make Friends as an Adult
- Offer free beers from your windowless van in the park.
- Pick the coolest person in the room and do everything they do. Talk like them. Walk like them. Follow them to work. Get hired by their company. Engage them in a Star Trek-style net and trident battle for ultimate supremacy. When their corpse lays bloody and tangled inside the net, pry out their heart with the trident and eat it in the break room during lunch. Your prowess and subsequent wicked-cool story are sure to attract quite a few new admirers, especially ones who enjoy sci-fi.
- Volunteer at an animal shelter. You’ll meet lots of dog and cat friends who never tell you that your habit of wearing holiday-themed overalls everywhere you go is off-putting. Seriously, just fuck Tim and his stupid opinions.
* I wrote a thing for Persephone Magazine! More here…