And I fall for it. Every. Damn. Time.

Cat leaps behind me on couch.

PURR PURR PURR.

Me:  Awwwwwwww I wuv you too!

SLURP SLURP SLURP.

The purring is a cover for eating my hair.

Commands a Cat Will Obey

Through rigorous smientific testing (and more salmon-flavored cat treats than I would care to admit, burp), I have finally determined those commands which a cat might obey just as a dog would.

This will revolutionize the cat-training industry, as well as improve the home lives of millions of humans and their cat owners.

Commands a Cat Will Obey:

“Sit there and look stupid.”

“Stare at nothing creepily.”

“Lick your ass on the best piece of furniture.”

“Wander away disdainfully.”

“Vomit on Great Great Aunt Mathilda’s hand-made tablecloth from 1876.”

“Viciously attack me while I pet you.”

“Eat my hair.”

“Judgmentally watch us have sex.”

“Run and hide — it’s time for the vet.”

“Don’t come when I call.”

“Wake me up with gross noises.”

“Whine for food even though I just fed you.”

“Please use my face as your ass pillow.”

Hopefully these helpful commands will make life better for you and your cat, and help you feel less like a total asshole who is ruled by a ten pound jerk who likes you 7% of the time.

I kinda threw up on my cat last night.

Just a little.

Choked on some water and… oops.

She didn’t even move.

That is one lazy-ass feline.

How was your evening?