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Cat leaps behind me on couch.
PURR PURR PURR.
Me: Awwwwwwww I wuv you too!
SLURP SLURP SLURP.
The purring is a cover for eating my hair.
Through rigorous smientific testing (and more salmon-flavored cat treats than I would care to admit, burp), I have finally determined those commands which a cat might obey just as a dog would.
This will revolutionize the cat-training industry, as well as improve the home lives of millions of humans and their cat owners.
Commands a Cat Will Obey:
“Sit there and look stupid.”
“Stare at nothing creepily.”
“Lick your ass on the best piece of furniture.”
“Wander away disdainfully.”
“Vomit on Great Great Aunt Mathilda’s hand-made tablecloth from 1876.”
“Viciously attack me while I pet you.”
“Eat my hair.”
“Judgmentally watch us have sex.”
“Run and hide — it’s time for the vet.”
“Don’t come when I call.”
“Wake me up with gross noises.”
“Whine for food even though I just fed you.”
“Please use my face as your ass pillow.”
Hopefully these helpful commands will make life better for you and your cat, and help you feel less like a total asshole who is ruled by a ten pound jerk who likes you 7% of the time.
Just a little.
Choked on some water and… oops.
She didn’t even move.
That is one lazy-ass feline.
How was your evening?