OMG Bill O’Reilly and his man guests just vocally fapped all over because some (unnamed) study said conservative men are inherently stronger than nerdy, wimpy liberal men. Why? Liberals don’t believe in work or evil, therefore big strong conservative men with guns.
Today I have been forced to listen to Rush Limbaugh, watch Fox & Friends, and now: BILL O’REILLY.
Fox and Friends is actively telling people that because the evil IRS is in charge of Obamacare, that every conservative will be penalized in the health care arena. As in, the IRS will investigate them because they’re so important and fighting against evil satan Obama, then they won’t be allowed to go to the doctor ever again because satan Obama and his IRS henchmen will stop them, and then they’ll all die.
I didn’t realize this is the way Obamacare works, but the whole killing grandma thing is apparently just around the corner!
Rush Limbaugh caller.
Caller in to his national radio show.
Live on the airwaves.
Strangely, no one stopped her.
Limbaugh constantly refers to the Obama presidency as “the regime.” If we’re a regime, where’s my fancy uniform? Something with rainbows and glitter made of Mitt’s tears, please.
Stuck in car with parents. Rush Limbaugh on. Help!
Today in a statement released to the press, Angelina Jolie’s genes apologized to every man on the earth, nay, in the universe, for cursing her amazing rack. They said, “Biology, ya know, it’s a bitch. And so am I for depriving every male eyeball of the pleasure of feasting on Angie’s natural fun bags. At least until they got saggy or whatever.”
Ms. Jolie underwent a double mastectomy under the misguided assumption that her health was the most important thing. But Bill, a dude standing next to a fire hydrant, corrected her, saying, “Damn, I liked her titties. Why didn’t she ask me? I woulda told her to keep them both. Is she even still a woman now? I mean, sexy cleavage is what women are all about. And they should simultaneously eat a lot and stay size zero.”
In order to avoid such a gross oversight of public opinion, other popular actresses are paying more attention to the needs and wants to every guy ever. Keira Knightley is taking suggestions for her daily underwear choice on her website, and it has been decided on Twitter that Emma Watson should only adopt children, because, as @fuck*nutz556 said, “preggers maks women fat and shit and kids ruin their boobs #tittiesR4me.”
Brad Pitt commented, “Sure, the genes can apologize all they want, but what about the billions of men who own Angie’s breasts? Don’t they all get a say? Look, here’s what we’ll do — she’s going to get a haircut soon. We’re circulating a survey to every male between 18-35, the most important demographic, so that everyone can make her get exactly the haircut they personally want.”
Ms. Jolie was not interviewed for this story, because why?
Renowned author Dan Brown woke up in his luxurious four-poster bed in his expensive $10 million house – and immediately he felt angry. Most people would have thought that the 48-year-old man had no reason to be angry. After all, the famous writer had a new book coming out. But that was the problem. A new book meant an inevitable attack on the rich novelist by the wealthy wordsmith’s fiercest foes. The critics.
Renowned author Dan Brown hated the critics. Ever since he had become one of the world’s top renowned authors they had made fun of him. They had mocked bestselling book The Da Vinci Code, successful novel Digital Fortress, popular tome Deception Point, money-spinning volume Angels & Demons and chart-topping work of narrative fiction The Lost Symbol. — Don’t make fun of renowed author Dan Brown (via scaredystark)
This is a masterpiece.(via safno)
Brilliant satire is brilliant.
Quite possibly the greatest bitch slap in Twitter history.
Ho. Ly. Fuck.
She got so damn told that they’re not even gonna call it “told” anymore. They’re gonna say “You got Meghan McCain’d.”
John Cho comes too!!! It’s a big tub.OK, I feel super ashamed to have left the beautiful, funny, intelligent Mr. Cho out of my pretend orgy. Damn straight.
I think any of us who go see Star Trek Into Darkness and resist fapping in the movie theater deserve some sort of self-control award. Like Chris Pine, John Cho, and Zachary Quinto taking a bubble bath with us.